Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Get back on the horse

In an effort to move on I have been really trying to figure out some outlets (healthy ones) to meet new people. After searching online for possible social groups all I have come up with is church and possibly Weight Watchers.

I have started church shopping but haven't really found the right combination of a sermon that is not too much fire and brimstone speak and a congregation where I could see fitting in. The first church I went to there were too many old people. Second church the minister had a little too much pep early in the morning with a dash of judgement. The third church was too small. So the search continues.

Weight Watchers stems from my need to take control, have a little support in the perpetual battle and at least interact with adults one evening a week. With that said I don't think I'm ready....

I am a firm believer in dealing with one problem at a time so I don't get overwhelmed and feel buried by life but each day that goes by it becomes more of a glaring problem. Now, along with having control over all other major decisions in my life I also have control over what comes into the house, what I ingest, blah, blah, blah. Even so I am still waiting to really mentally punish myself for not getting my ass in gear. I don't know what I'm waiting for but I hope I reach that point soon. My ass isn't getting any smaller while I wait.

Maybe it will be the point when I realize I need to lose a couple pounds to comfortably take my wedding ring off.....whenever that is. It is that last symbol of the life I thought I would have and even though I don't give two shits about what people think of me I judge myself. I felt/ feel comfort with these bands on my fingers even though it is completely false.

This post is veering terribly off the course I saw it going, so I will leave you with two questions:

Where do you/ did you meet new people when you know no one and live in a smaller town?

When do you take off you wedding ring?

Thursday, January 17, 2008

D is for Divorce

Um yeah....so I have been in hiding....again....but I'm back (I hope). For the past couple months I have internally been in a war zone. I would open a fresh post type something that might actually have some substance and then erase it. For me the act of verbalizing it/ writing it is really the end. In this case it is the demise of my marriage.

I'd like to say I am not going into details out of respect blah, blah, blah but the actuality is that he reads this blog on occasion. Even though everything I would be typing is truth I don't really feel like putting up with more shit, so I won't.

In response to some reactions that I have gotten:

yes, I have thought this through
yes, I know what I'm doing
yes, I have thought about my daughter(I would never have done it for myself)
no, I do not want a seperation

So in the past weeks I have been back in FL, gotten an attorney (he has too), started filing the paperwork, moved out (still in AL so he can still visit the muffin) and tried once again to put together my life. This time the only people I have to think about are my daughter and myself and honestly it is a relief.

I am a believer of the concept: Happy parent= happy child. My goal now is to see the joy in everything that is good (and even the things that are not), take the time to enjoy those moments that go by so quickly, enjoy the positive relationships that I do have and most importantly enjoy this amazing little person that I have the privilege of calling my daughter.

I am a lucky girl people, I have friends and family that would do anything for me and my own space in this world. Instead of mourning I am full of an optimism I haven't had for years.