Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I'm not telling

Now that I am more in tune with my posting and back to posting mayyyyyybe once a week, I am once again tempted to tell certain friends about the blog (or in many cases remind them again). Seeing as I have resorted to posting about farting and my lack of sex I don't know if I need to draw attention to myself....but really, as my friends they already know the above facts.

I may keep it to myself because I have a feeling one of them is going to piss me off in the near future and if I know they are reading I don't want to go all passive aggressive on their ass! Plus I have no time to talk on the phone because I discovered this.

Monday, July 28, 2008


I just farted (in the bathroom) and I swear it smelled like cigarettes.....

Friday, July 25, 2008

My version of Best Week Ever

I have been posting in my head quite regularly but on here not so much. So a hodge podge of "events" are all waiting to be written down. So here is what has been happening:

-In an effort to clean and purge I went through a lot of things that I have saved for memory. I sorted through pictures of prom, junior prom, soccer, flute, guitar and piano (I was totally over committed)and cracked myself up with the visual tragedy that was my wardrobe. I also came across my grandfathers (on my mom's side) suicide note. I had that buried so deep in my memory that it shocked the shit out of me. I found this probably about 10 years ago when going into his things and I took it so my mom would never see it. It was his note of how he had started having pains, he was scared so on such and such a date he was going to swallow a lot of pills. Then there is a ps of how he was going to wait a day because the weather was bad. Then there is a final entry of how he was still alive even after taking the pills.

He died in hospice care.

-I received a call from an ex boyfriend yesterday (the boyfriend before the ex husband) and his first question was "you want a white picket fence in your yard right?" Then he told me he was writing a book about his life and that I was in it. He wants me to read it and give my honest opinion.......this is also a boyfriend who broke up with me.....over the phone.....we had our children's names picked out....

-In the past two weeks the office building that I work in has been filled with cameras. Burn Notice was filming and then some movie where I recognized no one.

As an intelligent woman I know that television/media does not reflect an accurate picture of the general public but seeing it in the flesh was almost funny. The "normal business people" walking around the building and in the courtyards were the best looking people I have seen in ages. As part of the general public (at least in Miami) let me tell you, if someone doesn't have flip flops, another one doesn't have camel toe and another one doesn't have a sun burn, it IS NOT accurate.

If you see a woman exit an elevator yakking on the phone looking embarrassed and ridiculously under dressed on Burn Notice, you have just seen the author of this blog.

Have a great weekend!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Brain Hack

I share because I shouldn't be the only person to suffer!

This damn song has been in my head for DAYS!!

Monday, July 14, 2008

How to properly attend an outdoor concert with chances of rain

-Bring a light weight poncho, just in case
-Bring a towel to sit on when you get back in the car (swamp ass is never cute!)
-Wear non slip fast drying shoes
-Be prepared to smack that bitch up when she pokes you in the face with her friggin umbrella for the 1,000th time
-Make sure you are not wearing a face cream/suntan lotion that makes your eyes burrrrrrrn when the rain pushes it into your eyes
-Attend the concert with someone wearing multiple layers on the off chance that they can dry your glasses on a dry layer

-Wear white
-Wear a white shirt with a sheer white bra
-Walk near the beer stations (melting ice+a slope=falling on your ass)
-Let the water dripping from your hair, nose, glasses drip onto your underwear when you are squatting to take a piss
-Take a piss in front of someones car thinking that the rain will "hide" you unless you want me to see your ass, take pictures, honk my horn and flash my lights at you

This wraps up this weeks public service announcement. As a side note, I totally had a great time and yes, my ass is still wet!

Friday, July 11, 2008

Muffin Mania

The dichotomy in my writing here from "new mom" to crazy soon to be divorced over sexed lady is too funny (not so much funny ha, ha as funny queer). So before I delete all the pics and remove any shred of connection to the identifiable me I though I would share the following:

How did this dark haired little blob become

cute little sitting up muffin

to this blond long haired little girl?

Thursday, July 10, 2008

TMI- my posting has come to this!

How sad is it when on one of my premiere a.m. (after marriage) "solo expeditions"* I have to stop because my hand is cramping too much. Am I so out of shape I need to stretch before that?? It is also sad that as soon as I decided it was all a no go I began to compose a very funny blog post.....damn that post was good (why is it always better in my head??)...

*Someone please tell me what else to call this besides the technical term. When it comes to certain words and phrases I suddenly become a Puritanical fool.

Monday, July 7, 2008


Brutally Honest Mondays” border=

I spend more time not working than working (at work).
I am constantly complaining about work yet doing very little to change it.
I could be happy in my current position.
I need to pull my head out of my ass.

This weekend I saw The Secret. While some of it is a little mystical for me, most of it was spot on. I spend so much of my time and energy dwelling on the negative and the bad in my life that I am attracting the negative. Bad Out=Bad In.

In recent days I have really tried to focus on the positive, the beautiful and to be grateful. I have spent time asking myself what I really want in life and letting myself know that it is ok to want those things (a house, positive relationship, money in the bank, etc.) In this short period of time I have noticed a shift. Not to sound all crazy but this morning when I called three different companies for various bills I owed, one told me I no longer had to pay $196, one said they owed me money and the last one said my bill would be $15 less than my statement.

To be brutally honest....I am the only one standing my way. I could have it all!

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Happy 4th!

After reading this entry I am brought back to many a 4th of July past. Really it is a lot of sitting on a blanket, watching the fireworks (recently with a beverage in hand) and enjoying some nice weather. This 4th I am actually making the trek to see the ex so he can see the baby (this of course has nothing to do with the last post ;).......and my mind wanders......

Anywhoo, the 4th, yeah.....the most memorable for me was back in the mid 90's when as a family we would come down to Miami to visit the grandparents. This was before I lived here, before I was an official "Hispanic" and when I was very happy living in my happy little white suburb in the north east. So when we went to a major fireworks display downtown with people setting off their own personal fireworks display (soooo illegal in NY) it was a bit of shock. When a group of large Hispanic men set off a fireworks display that almost resulted in my little brother (5 at the time) losing the left side of his body I saw my dad LOSE HIS SHIT!

This is the first and only time I have seen my dad this angry. So angry in fact that his lifetime of garbled Spanish came flooding forward in an angry display of what I now interpret as a basic "What the FUCK! You almost killed my kid"! When these men proceeded to not appologize, puff up and step on our blankets it was the nail in the coffin. With my sister and brother crying, my mom telling my father to calm down we attended our last public Miami festivities that evening.

I chalk it up as another funny story, my mom says it was the evening "where your father lost his mind" and my sister still won't go downtown. My brother is the only one who has no recollection of the events....

Have a safe and happy 4th full of bloggable events!

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Sex with an Ex

I know the above title is such a bad idea for 1,000 different reasons that right now in my lunch time stupor I am not even going touch, but seriously.....
when you are a single mom, with a toddler, who doesn't even want to think about dating (I say this but I spend inordinate amounts of time dwelling on this topic) who is terrifyed of the idea of being naked in front of someone "new" what sort of options are out there.

The obvious solution would be keeping it in my pants but in regards to this topic I am apparently not the smartest cookie. I have needs....needs that have been met for years (by ex Mr. Skyzi (he hated when I called him that...muahahahaha)). The whole idea of going on "solo missions" is just not as appealing.

If only I wasn't so dick dumb......

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Real Strength

I wish I had this man's strength. Please don't watch it if you are feeling a little emotional already.


I am truly blessed.