Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Holding the Chuppah

Smerm and Jerm were married this weekend and I held the Chuppah. This was the most amazing wedding ever. The weather was perfect in the CT/NY mountains, there was no cell phone reception (awesome (and I am being sincere)), the evenings were crisp and I was with my best friends from high school.

It was like being at summer camp except without all the awkward teenage moments. Now we were all cool kids and one of us was getting married, one of us had a kid, one of us was starting out as an amazing artist (what up Jew- yah) and we all got to celebrate the marriage of two people who actually belong together....who glow because they have each other.

This glow has eaten my brain apparently and now I'm all mushy. I seriously have to get on this finding my soul mate.....right as soon as I finish divorcing my last "soul mate".

This wedding was a true blend of both of them and a reflection of all that they are. I thought Latins were the dancing kings but I was wrong, it is Jewish men that have the moves. The history that was involved in the songs, the service, the dancing it reminded me of how much I wanted to be a Jew in high school and why it still appeals (thank God my mom doesn't read this because right now she would have had a stroke and I would have to be praying to the sweet baby Jesus for her to recover).

Today I am recovering from a happy hang over and saying hi to all my high school friends (what up Brbs) and missing them.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Purple Hair

I'm currently mulling a lot of things over. Big things, change my life things. So in my classic style I disappear from the blogosphere, which is a shame because so much fun stuff happened.

-I rescued ducklings from a storm drain by holding my sister by the ankles while yelling that I was going to drop her. I have not laughed that hard in years.
-I went out. On the town. At night. (I even wore real clothing!)
-We went to the most awesome children's museum.
-I'm talking to "people" from my past who I've missed for too long.
-I dyed my hair purple just in time to be a bridesmaid.*

*I need to make sure you people are paying attention. If you didn't know, I have never dyed my hair. I'm waiting for the grey!

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

When are you too old for a booty call?

This morning after waking up at my usual (not nice) time I looked at my phone and saw I had a text. That is not unusual except that once again it was quite early. I opened the phone and saw who it was from (a former on again off again male "friend"). I also happened to notice that it came in at 3:45 am.

I am so old now that:
a. I consider that an early morning text as opposed to a late night next.
b. I didn't even wake up when the text came in because I was passed out (and not from drinking).
c. I was outraged that he would send the message at that hour and expect me to respond.
d. I was intrigued that this boy was thinking about me at that hour of the morning/evening.
e. I have this amount of time an energy to dedicate to a text that said "Hey" but have four week old nail polish on my toes.

Friday, August 1, 2008

He says I'll never find it

Recently the ex has been asking all sorts of loaded questions and making the same types of statements. For example:
-Do you think I'm a bad father?
-What do you need from a man?
-You know that I didn't mean to hurt you.
-I'm not the same man.
-You're my best friend, do you think of me the same way?

In case you didn't know, by nature I am not an angry or confrontational person. If I think a statement is going to hurt your feelings I will keep it to myself. Do not confuse this with not having an opinion. If you specifically ask me what I think, I WILL tell you. I don't sugar coat things if I think you can handle it or if you provoke me.

So after weeks and months and years of listening to him whine, holding my tongue it all bubbled up and out. (Here begins the rant, feel free to skip the following) I will be there for you but I will not put you before my daughter and I. Been there done that not doing it again. If you ask if I think you are a shitty dad......I told you not to ask questions you don't want the answer to. You would literally murder a man if he did things to your daughter that you did to me. DO NOT mistake my tears with wanting to get back together with you. These are tears of frustration, anger and heart break.

I wish you could be the man that I need but at this stage in the game I can't compromise. I have too much at stake. I have this beautiful little girl who is going to think it is ok to be with someone who doesn't make her happy. That is the message I somehow learned from my mom and I'm NOT going to have her repeat this bullshit cycle again.

When you ask me what I need and I reply that I need someone who has faith, who knows there is something larger than them, someone who can provide for his family (not just with money but emotionally), someone who can be my rock (because I am SOOOOOOooooo tired of being the "stable" one) and you laugh, not a good move. Don't tell me that my expectations are too high and that is never going to happen. I know that you are not this person, that you don't have that strength but I have no doubt that he is out there (because I've seen it before), and if I don't find those things that's ok, I have to learn how to be by myself.

We are not friends. I listen and you always talk, and it is because I'm a bleeding heart and I feel bad for you, but every time this shit happens it makes it easier for me not to pick up the phone. At this point you don't know anything about me..... and the fact that you are so eager to throw details of my life in my face (that have nothing to do with anything) show how little you have changed. Am I still afraid that you are going to kill me......no, but is that really the bar that you are striving for. (RANT END)

So yeah, he is coming in to town tomorrow to "spend quality time" with his daughter. While I want to just go off on his ass it is not going to make this weekend go any faster. I'm going to smile, like I always do....(imagine the most fake smile you have ever seen plastered on my face)