Get back on the horse

In an effort to move on I have been really trying to figure out some outlets (healthy ones) to meet new people. After searching online for possible social groups all I have come up with is church and possibly Weight Watchers.

I have started church shopping but haven't really found the right combination of a sermon that is not too much fire and brimstone speak and a congregation where I could see fitting in. The first church I went to there were too many old people. Second church the minister had a little too much pep early in the morning with a dash of judgement. The third church was too small. So the search continues.

Weight Watchers stems from my need to take control, have a little support in the perpetual battle and at least interact with adults one evening a week. With that said I don't think I'm ready....

I am a firm believer in dealing with one problem at a time so I don't get overwhelmed and feel buried by life but each day that goes by it becomes more of a glaring problem. Now, along with having control over all other major decisions in my life I also have control over what comes into the house, what I ingest, blah, blah, blah. Even so I am still waiting to really mentally punish myself for not getting my ass in gear. I don't know what I'm waiting for but I hope I reach that point soon. My ass isn't getting any smaller while I wait.

Maybe it will be the point when I realize I need to lose a couple pounds to comfortably take my wedding ring off.....whenever that is. It is that last symbol of the life I thought I would have and even though I don't give two shits about what people think of me I judge myself. I felt/ feel comfort with these bands on my fingers even though it is completely false.

This post is veering terribly off the course I saw it going, so I will leave you with two questions:

Where do you/ did you meet new people when you know no one and live in a smaller town?

When do you take off you wedding ring?

D is for Divorce

Um yeah....so I have been in hiding....again....but I'm back (I hope). For the past couple months I have internally been in a war zone. I would open a fresh post type something that might actually have some substance and then erase it. For me the act of verbalizing it/ writing it is really the end. In this case it is the demise of my marriage.

I'd like to say I am not going into details out of respect blah, blah, blah but the actuality is that he reads this blog on occasion. Even though everything I would be typing is truth I don't really feel like putting up with more shit, so I won't.

In response to some reactions that I have gotten:

yes, I have thought this through
yes, I know what I'm doing
yes, I have thought about my daughter(I would never have done it for myself)
no, I do not want a seperation

So in the past weeks I have been back in FL, gotten an attorney (he has too), started filing the paperwork, moved out (still in AL so he can still visit the muffin) and tried once again to put together my life. This time the only people I have to think about are my daughter and myself and honestly it is a relief.

I am a believer of the concept: Happy parent= happy child. My goal now is to see the joy in everything that is good (and even the things that are not), take the time to enjoy those moments that go by so quickly, enjoy the positive relationships that I do have and most importantly enjoy this amazing little person that I have the privilege of calling my daughter.

I am a lucky girl people, I have friends and family that would do anything for me and my own space in this world. Instead of mourning I am full of an optimism I haven't had for years.

Why you ask???

I LOVE IT! Amber so nicely asked why I moved, so my internet friend I will tell you, my husband got a great job here.

After literally applying for hundreds of jobs within the Miami-Dade/ Broward government system and getting almost no feedback (I think he is over qualified), getting two degrees (he goes to graducation for his Master's on Monday)and just getting beat down, one day on a whim I started looking at other states. I found a posting for a Parks and Recreation Director in Alabama and he applied. He phone screened, we visited and he was offered the position. This all happened in the span of maybe a month....crazy!

So now we are here in Alabama in a city of a population of just over 5,000. So if anyone out there want's to take a stab at small town living I can recommend just the place......you can come and be my real live friend (because now I need some, you can pick up the application online).....please, I'll bake you cookies!

From Poop to Snoop

I'm always afraid of a day that starts with my child producing an object out of her rear where I am left speechless and gagging and running around in panic with my only desire being to CONTAIN the beast! After 45 minutes of crime scene clean up we started the day again. Breakfast, coffee, then read the paper.

So here is my question internet:

Is it normal to open the paper and have FEMA tell you how you can pick up your "Clean Room Kit" for free locally?

As in Clean The MF'in Mustard Gas Out Of The Air (this is the only biological [I don't actually know if this is a bio hazard] agent the military can tell you about) Before It Brutalizes You And Your Family Kit. I can handle a hurricane, was almost coming to terms with the idea of a Tornado but the idea of having to seal all the doors and windows of a "safe" room and having 5 hours of air filtering (plenty of time according to the operator)capabilities at my fingertips has me flustered. Don't they know I have a toddler at home!?! Unless I have enough of this air filter crap to clean half a city block I'm screwed. But don't worry, the alarms implanted in my neighborhood will tell me what to do.....Big Brother, huh, what?

Speaking of interesting fumes, last night I had an opportunity to catch Snoop Doggs reality show. I haven't seen someone high for that long in a long time. Snoop doing Yoga, Snoop scared of needles, Snoop vacuuming, Snoop the family man and through it all his eyes are so squinty you could blind the man with a bit of dental floss. Yes, I watched the whole thing and then DVR'ed the season. I have no idea why but I haven't laughed like that in awhile!

Breaking and Entering

So I go outside to get the mail, when I go back to the house the door is locked. Now if you didn't know I know NO ONE. Thank God the baby was at daycare! Today is also the day that my husband was at an off site meeting, almost an hour away.... so I walked to my husbands office in my PJ's with my ghetto ass ugly ass shoes. No shower, no real clothes, no phone, no house keys, no car keys.

The hub's co-workers were in the office eating. Did I mention that two of the three employees are prisoners?? I'm sure I did. So we did what any normal person would do, we drove to my house and broke in. Two men in white uniforms with black block lettering on their backs declaring them Alabama State Prisoners jimmied the window open and slid in laughing about how this isn't the first time they had done this?!?

They kidded with me how by the time I went to the bathroom they could have had all my furniture and electronics out of the house. I laughed along and proceeded to run through the house putting all the window locks on. If I ever lock myself out again I am really screwed, I'm making this place Fort Knox.

What did I do today? I helped people commit an act that apparently can give you 5 years behind bars, but don't worry "they wouldn't do me like that"! I'm getting renters insurance ASAP.

Greetings from Alabama

I've been in an admitted hiding thinking, unpacking, ignoring and taking it all in. I finally have my necessities: internet, phone (with unlimited long distance) and a sense of my bearings. I can still be at a Starbucks within 15 minutes and in the giant big box that is Super Target.

With all this time outside of my routine I have had nothing but time to think and for me this can often be a dangerous and counter productive thing. Unfortunately it makes me doubt and question EVERYTHING. Very few of these questions have actually surfaced and these issues are now lingering and yes I know I am being evasive.

Two days ago I finally broke down and put the muffin in a day care....with strangers. She is 14 months and this is the first time I have had to do it (my mom was watching her in Miami). I went to pick her up after her 5 hour stint and she was covered in her food, from lunch with her pants on backwards. They seem like sweet women and today I brought a washcloth for her so she was 95% crust free. She was missing an earring but I am trying to let it go. She doesn't cry when I leave but today she cried when I picked her up, it broke my heart.

I've also achieved the complete inability to make major decisions. I currently have no car (sold mine in Miami) so I am renting and nothing is on our walls. So besides not being sure of where I am living or what I am driving I'm all set?!?

Along with the questioning I have also been able to enjoy what small town America has to offer me. Watching people finalize their Christmas decorations with all the white twinkling lights, seeing the stars at night, hearing the sound of children playing in their yards, the cool crispness in the air and going for walks without the fear of being mowed down is amazing.

Back to your regularly scheduled spaz!

Yeah so I have been MIA due to the fact that I have no computer at home which means I have to get all my moving/ car/ location searching done during business hours, replacing my time where I could be writing to you, my internet friends. I hope you missed me ;)

I am on my way to having a full on melt down. This whole idea of giving someone all my worldly possessions where they drive away and may or may not hijack (every company has this complaint against them at the Better Business Bureau) said items is blowing my mind. On top of that I have to pay them....a lot!

Today I am selling my car but I have not found a car so I am going to be car less and potentially insurance less. Oh, oh, oh and did I mention I have not packed and that no one who shows up to look at our apartment is qualified (out of 10 appointments only 1 person has shown up, grrrrr).

I had these delusional visions of spending my last days in Miami enjoying the palm trees, my friends and relaxing. I also mentally omitted the fact that if all my stuff is packed on a truck somewhere in the USA. Where is my family eating Thanksgiving dinner? So I am also potentially looking at spending Thanksgiving eating at a Waffle House and or eating microwave turkey with plastic sporks.

I'm going to go breathe into a brown paper bag now....


*This post has been brought to you by Dunkin Donuts Large Coffee Coolatta.