Friday, August 1, 2008

He says I'll never find it

Recently the ex has been asking all sorts of loaded questions and making the same types of statements. For example:
-Do you think I'm a bad father?
-What do you need from a man?
-You know that I didn't mean to hurt you.
-I'm not the same man.
-You're my best friend, do you think of me the same way?

In case you didn't know, by nature I am not an angry or confrontational person. If I think a statement is going to hurt your feelings I will keep it to myself. Do not confuse this with not having an opinion. If you specifically ask me what I think, I WILL tell you. I don't sugar coat things if I think you can handle it or if you provoke me.

So after weeks and months and years of listening to him whine, holding my tongue it all bubbled up and out. (Here begins the rant, feel free to skip the following) I will be there for you but I will not put you before my daughter and I. Been there done that not doing it again. If you ask if I think you are a shitty dad......I told you not to ask questions you don't want the answer to. You would literally murder a man if he did things to your daughter that you did to me. DO NOT mistake my tears with wanting to get back together with you. These are tears of frustration, anger and heart break.

I wish you could be the man that I need but at this stage in the game I can't compromise. I have too much at stake. I have this beautiful little girl who is going to think it is ok to be with someone who doesn't make her happy. That is the message I somehow learned from my mom and I'm NOT going to have her repeat this bullshit cycle again.

When you ask me what I need and I reply that I need someone who has faith, who knows there is something larger than them, someone who can provide for his family (not just with money but emotionally), someone who can be my rock (because I am SOOOOOOooooo tired of being the "stable" one) and you laugh, not a good move. Don't tell me that my expectations are too high and that is never going to happen. I know that you are not this person, that you don't have that strength but I have no doubt that he is out there (because I've seen it before), and if I don't find those things that's ok, I have to learn how to be by myself.

We are not friends. I listen and you always talk, and it is because I'm a bleeding heart and I feel bad for you, but every time this shit happens it makes it easier for me not to pick up the phone. At this point you don't know anything about me..... and the fact that you are so eager to throw details of my life in my face (that have nothing to do with anything) show how little you have changed. Am I still afraid that you are going to kill, but is that really the bar that you are striving for. (RANT END)

So yeah, he is coming in to town tomorrow to "spend quality time" with his daughter. While I want to just go off on his ass it is not going to make this weekend go any faster. I'm going to smile, like I always do....(imagine the most fake smile you have ever seen plastered on my face)

1 comment:

Sizzle said...

Go rant! I hope that helped?

You are doing the right thing by caring for you and your daughter first. You know too well how he sucks you back in with his woe-is-me crap. Be strong. Be true to you.