Busy busy

Sorry to be MIA but it's been a crazy few days.

This weekend we went to the Dave Matthews concert up north and it was amazing! It is so rare to be surrounded by thousands of people where everyone is happy to be there, excited and yelling in anticipation. The set list was filled with all his best work and as usual their performance was perfect. This also marked my return to his summer concert tour after being very pregnant last year. It's amazing how good you can feel with a little music, a little beer (maybe more than a little), a few good friends and a nice buzz.

Today was even better. One of my best friends gave birth. I was there to take a couple pictures, say hi and drop off some chapstick. I ended up being a leg holder and watching a new life emerge from someones crotch. It still blows my mind how you can go from a couple to a small family within two seconds. The experience almost made me want to do it again (don't worry baby I said almost). For now I will enjoy playing with someone else's newborn muffin. After seeing his full head of hair I let her know that our children were now aloud to get together seeing as they would have the hair genes covered!

The whole process drove home how much can change in a couple years and even in just nine months. As annoying as it is to have a period, cramps, etc. it is a gift....

I have been blessed with so much this past year. My child is happy and healthy and a ball of fire. This weekend we are celebrating her birthday (a post unto itself) and it has been the best year, must unpredictable and most rewarding. I have this face I can look into and give my purest, most sincere smile.

Not to be corny (but I am), but it is a good life.

No place like home?

For the past couple years I have been grappling with idea of where I want to settle down in terms of location. Before we had the baby and it was just us or just me Miami was the coolest place on earth. Great weather, hot people, materialism at its worst, all in all a good time. Now everything has changed. We don't spend our weekends on the beach or going out with friends at night (even though we could stand to go out here and there), our best hours are during the day light.

Our world is our daughter followed by family and friends. The question is: can a city make it harder/ easier to raise a child? I always fought this idea, I wanted to believe that I as the parent could mold be child. Now I am realizing that parenting is going to be hard, the hardest thing I have ever done and I might as well make it a little easier for myself.

I was raised in the suburbs of NYC. We lived in a fantastic upper middle class area where as children we never questioned if we were going to college we just thought of where (in my delusional childish mind I was a Harvard grad....hahahaha). Everyone had two cars, a garage, a backyard etc. Behind closed doors everyone had there problems and until I got older this was my American Dream.

I have always been financially driven. Until recently I wanted to start a business empire, be a part of something big. Then I became part of something even larger: I got married, had a kid and realized all I need is enough. I need to know that my child is going to be safe if I let her walk down the block by herself, I need enough money to pay my bills and take a vacation once in awhile, I need enough family around me so that I feel stability.

Don't get my wrong, I still love the finer things in life but now I know that those things are not going to make me happy (feel free to donate your millions, your houses and your cars). Looking at the faces of the people in my family and my friends and seeing those smiles is what drives me. This is why I go to work, this is why I deal with certain things in my life.

I totally just went off on a tangent but I am realizing that Miami is not where I want to have my children grow. I want to live in a place where I can sit back, watch my children, watch my parents enjoying my children and realize that I have it all.

Meema

No, I didn't fall in....I just lost some of my internet dedication, for a moment....or two. That and my husbands grandma passed away. I had an eloquent write up in my head for this woman.....but it all escapes me right now.

She was a hard core Texan, she loved her black eyed peas (not the band), her yellow roses and hated those damn Yankees (not the team). The first time she met me she told me how happy she was that I wasn't a colored girl and that I wasn't some crazy girl from New York....and she was so serious. So I kept it to myself that I was from a Cuban family from NY, because did I mention she was a Texan.

This woman had spunk and spirit. She also held the role of #1 cheerleader for my husband, he could do nothing wrong. I cried like a weenie this weekend because it is so hard to lose people in your life who make you feel like you can do anything. Growing up he didn't have enough of those people.....

She loved her family, loved God and was wicked smart. She was 83 and had a doctorate in nursing. Her mail read Dr and Mr. For her generation that was unheard of. She had three degrees, two kids, a husband and a partridge in a pear tree. She even wrote a book on grieving.

I am going to miss her for her spunk and all the gifts she gave my family. I will also smile everytime I think of how I am that damn Yankee girl her grandson brought home.

Who is the parent?

When is it that the pedestals where I held my parents on cracked, crumbled and got swept away?

In recent years my parents have gone through rough patches. These patches are not just with their relationship but have also involved finances, location and a variety of other things that I am too emotionally exhausted to discuss. The thing that really kills me about all of this is that....

I ALWAYS come to their rescue!

I can give you my love, I can give you my time, but PLEASE don't take my money. I have worked sooooo hard to stay out of debt, save for things, save for a home, be responsible and all that adult stuff, why does it seem like I am the only one? I am supposed to be the child, the one who goes to you for help. I hate that the roles are reversed and it eats away at my soul.

I have told you before that it was the last straw, the last time I could financially help you. I have moved away from you to draw this line.....

HANDLE your business!

They say it's your birthday

So it's my b-day today. No big plans, no I do not feel different. I remember my birthday last year, it was the first year where I was blue on my birthday. I was in a really fowl mood actually.....it could be the fact that it was the heart of summer and I was very pregnant but whatever. Last year was the first time that I couldn't party like a rock star in honor of my birth but this year with my daughter now here everything is different.

I waited for her to wake up and we celebrated mommy's birthday on the floor in her room. Tonight we will have a quiet family dinner complete with desert and it will be perfect. I have everything I need, no crazy gifts required. When my husband asked what I wanted I told him a bookshelf....to me a perfect gift. I frequently get caught up in life's BS. Today is a perfect day to think of all the things that I have yet to accomplish and all the things that I have already done.

Do you have any birthday traditions?

Movin on up....to the east side

....to a deluxe apartment in the sky.....

So yeah, we are moving. To let you in on an internet secret because many of you do not know me "in real life".......

(whispers) we have been living with my parents.

With my husband weeks away from finishing his masters and with the baby we thought we would save some money, but now we need to get back to our own space. We have been with them (my husband tells me) 1 year and 4 months.

So now I reveal another secret ( DO NOT TELL MY HUSBAND....dammit, I think he reads this blog....DOH!!). The time here has been a blessing. Besides the headache of sharing my space and not always being an adult we have been so lucky.

I swear on all that is holy that I would not have emotionally been able to handle new motherhood without my mom being there. She is my saving grace. I didn't realize that until I had my daughter, and now I am SO grateful. I am able to work and function because I know my daughter is safe.

Having both my parents light up seeing my daughter (Lord knows they don't do that when I walk in the room?!?) when she comes in the room has given me a simple joy. Free babysitting and date night has given me even more joy! My brother who I had no large expectations for when it came to the baby has become super uncle, if there was a cape I would get it for him. The three of them (who currently live in the house) have helped us in countless ways and given my daughter a security that so many children lack.

So today is our last day as this extended family under one roof.....and today I am going to allow myself to mourn what was....

and get excited for our own place!

All grown up

My brother is significantly younger than me. Because of this fact I have been known to baby him and in my mind he is still a little boy who rubs his fingers together to tell me that he wants raisins, God forbid he would harm his vocal cords speaking. Even though I still see him as a child he has grown up, he is moving on and he no longer needs me to translate.

Having him around and be able to watch him blossom, have a girlfriend, become an uncle has been a privilege but also a reality check. As I sat through his graduation, helped him pick out his tux for prom while taking pictures I realized that I am no longer in that stage of life.

I was never one of those kids that said that high school was the time of life. I liked it, loved my friends but was happy to move on. College was also good times but not the end all be all. Since college without that harsh divide of time separating my life stages time has flown. I was soooo comfortable with my time being carved out for me. Having to define everything myself is almost too much freedom.

Having a baby has once again given me a ticking time line: When I should have another baby, when I should be moved into a larger home, when I should have x amount of money in the bank, when I should decide whether or not to send my daughter to public school, when I should have it all figured out (ha!).

That poor boy, now I am going to have to hunt him down to give him a hug.....because no matter how messed up we can be at times that is how we roll.



Mom & brother Graduation '07

Flash back

This is the song I caught my mom singing to the muffin yesterday:

"Clap hands, clap hands till Daddy comes home
Cause Daddy has money and mommy has none..."

When I started squawking about "how could you say that, blah, blah, blah", she told me it was a song women of the 50's sang. Because that is soooo not my reality I find it funny.

So now she sings:

"Clap hands, clap hands till Mommy comes home
cause Mommy has money and grandma has none...."

Guess who's back

Today is the beginning of hurricane season down here in S. Florida. What does that mean?? Tax free shopping for hurricane accessories! It is as exciting as it sounds. I guess I should pick up some batteries and flash lights since that seems like the responsible parenty thing to do.

I remember last year being so scared that I would have to give birth in our home office (the only room with no windows) or worse, be stuck in the house with no air conditioning. I took comfort in the fact that in our Lamaze class there was a rumor that if you were close to your due date they would let you come to the hospital.

For most of you the thought of being in a hospital for no reason other than air conditioning sounds stupid, a waste.....YOU would be wrong. Once you have spent weeks at a time with no power which equals no hot water and everyone you live with/near has pissed you off so much that you are ready to walk miles to hang out with other friends let me know how hanging out at a hospital sounds.

Apparently my mind is already overheating. It is so interesting how things that never scared me are now frightening now that I have the muffin. I would drive during a hurricane to the only bar that was open because hurricane parties were the best! No one has work, you have no where to be, we actually prayed for storms.

You couldn't pay me to get in car before/during/right after a storm. In our new place every room has windows, there is no where to hide. I will give everything at this point to keep my family safe. It is a great feeling to be able to think beyond yourself.

You can't make me leave

For our long weekend we ventured out of town....again....by car.....with the baby.

For those of you without baby experience this means one thing: a cranky angry baby. The muffin who is usually a delicious ball of joy turns into an angry car seat bound ball of wahhhhhh. Five hours is just too damn long to be in a car with a baby who can no longer sleep for five hours straight!

It was a great trip because we got to get together with family members we rarely see and hear "she is so big, she is beautiful, etc". I for one cannot tire of hearing how wonderful my child is, because she is and I do like to share the magic that is the muffin.

One person who was not feeling any magic was room 205, the unfortunate person who was next to us while our daughter did her angry hyena impressions as she screamed her 2:30 am wake up call. Because I felt guilty I would pick her up so now we are back to square one with the whole sleep thing. On the plus side the world is a beautiful, crisp, quiet place from 2:30-6 am in northern Florida (I would actually be quite happy to never have experienced that but I guess you gotta look for the bright side!).

As is always the case: I need a vacation from my vacation. Did I mention that we are moving??? That is a big beautiful post in itself, but for now I bid you adieu! (I really hope that is the right word......whatever....ciao baby!)