Who is the parent?

When is it that the pedestals where I held my parents on cracked, crumbled and got swept away?

In recent years my parents have gone through rough patches. These patches are not just with their relationship but have also involved finances, location and a variety of other things that I am too emotionally exhausted to discuss. The thing that really kills me about all of this is that....

I ALWAYS come to their rescue!

I can give you my love, I can give you my time, but PLEASE don't take my money. I have worked sooooo hard to stay out of debt, save for things, save for a home, be responsible and all that adult stuff, why does it seem like I am the only one? I am supposed to be the child, the one who goes to you for help. I hate that the roles are reversed and it eats away at my soul.

I have told you before that it was the last straw, the last time I could financially help you. I have moved away from you to draw this line.....

HANDLE your business!

I don't know what to say to you because there is nothing I can say to make it better. The baby that you have wanted, prayed for, been joyful for is no longer with you. This is your second disappointment....

....you deserve a baby. You are a good mother.....I can't even fathom your pain.

I don't even want to talk about it because I am so scared that one day it will happen to me, like it has happened to so many of you.

I want to draw outside the lines!

I have always thought of myself as a creative/artistic person. This does not mean that I can draw a picture of you and actually have it look like you. I always had that creative outlet. In high school I physically made art favoring mixed media then I went into photography. I love capturing an image and being able to enjoy it later on. My travel pictures are some of my most treasured possessions.

When I went to college I majored in art history and continued to dabble in studio arts. I always loved art, the energy that surrounds artsy people. Creativity is so inspiring! Even through this whole process I always knew that I would never make a living as a "creative" person. Don't get me wrong, I am creative in my day to day but it is in the sales arena. I feel like I have always treaded a fine line of being overly responsible, maintaining a corporate America job all the while looking at the other side of leaving my "steady" job and running off to do my own thing.

At the end of the day I know I wouldn't make a good "starving artist". That could be my subconscious talking myself out of it but I do think that it is accurate. I crave stability, a home that is my own, adequate school for my kids...nothing too crazy. I also crave something that intrigues my artistic mind, something out of the box something where I can feel extraordinary every day.

The other day my husband asked why I didn't take pictures anymore, didn't paint. Then he went further and said that he had never seen me do any of those things, and he was right. Since he has met me I have put all emotional/ spiritual pursuits on hold and I don't really know why. I have been busy assembling my life as I thought it should be: husband, baby, home, work....I have neglected an area that gives me a lot of my spark, part of me that I used to define myself with.

Every day I take hundreds of mental pictures, enjoy the small things, want to preserve that mental picture. I think it is about time I start capturing those things again and with that recapture a part of me.

They say it's your birthday

So it's my b-day today. No big plans, no I do not feel different. I remember my birthday last year, it was the first year where I was blue on my birthday. I was in a really fowl mood actually.....it could be the fact that it was the heart of summer and I was very pregnant but whatever. Last year was the first time that I couldn't party like a rock star in honor of my birth but this year with my daughter now here everything is different.

I waited for her to wake up and we celebrated mommy's birthday on the floor in her room. Tonight we will have a quiet family dinner complete with desert and it will be perfect. I have everything I need, no crazy gifts required. When my husband asked what I wanted I told him a bookshelf....to me a perfect gift. I frequently get caught up in life's BS. Today is a perfect day to think of all the things that I have yet to accomplish and all the things that I have already done.

Do you have any birthday traditions?

The Odyssey

So we moved, at least we started to. The apartment was not in the shape we expected it to be in so repairs are being done as we speak. Rain plagued our movers (my family& I) so we got 1/4 of the stuff moved. The tubs had to be re-fiberglassed (that is the technical term) so now there is the stank of paint and tub. Our first night without the baby (hanging with G&G while the paint dried) I had envisioned as a spectacularly romantic time with 70's porn music playing in the background as two young parents enjoyed some alone time.....wink, wink. It actually ended with two exhausted people lying next to each other passed out in a fume enhanced sleep only to be woken by emergency vehicles now audible with the open windows.

So I am tired, mentally fuzzy (I'm blaming the fumes) and my apartment does not look like a page in a magazine......yet. On top of it all I have no internet and for some, even worse I have no TV, so until that gets fixed I will say good mornin, good afternoon and good night..... I have a very sexy weekend filled with boxes, brooms and clorox.

Movin on up....to the east side

....to a deluxe apartment in the sky.....

So yeah, we are moving. To let you in on an internet secret because many of you do not know me "in real life".......

(whispers) we have been living with my parents.

With my husband weeks away from finishing his masters and with the baby we thought we would save some money, but now we need to get back to our own space. We have been with them (my husband tells me) 1 year and 4 months.

So now I reveal another secret ( DO NOT TELL MY HUSBAND....dammit, I think he reads this blog....DOH!!). The time here has been a blessing. Besides the headache of sharing my space and not always being an adult we have been so lucky.

I swear on all that is holy that I would not have emotionally been able to handle new motherhood without my mom being there. She is my saving grace. I didn't realize that until I had my daughter, and now I am SO grateful. I am able to work and function because I know my daughter is safe.

Having both my parents light up seeing my daughter (Lord knows they don't do that when I walk in the room?!?) when she comes in the room has given me a simple joy. Free babysitting and date night has given me even more joy! My brother who I had no large expectations for when it came to the baby has become super uncle, if there was a cape I would get it for him. The three of them (who currently live in the house) have helped us in countless ways and given my daughter a security that so many children lack.

So today is our last day as this extended family under one roof.....and today I am going to allow myself to mourn what was....

and get excited for our own place!

Muffin love

This morning she "slept in" past her usually 5:30 am wake up. And while she was still dreaming I was missing her.

She was in her crib, perfectly healthy and happy but I was still missing her.

That little baby with her beautiful smile, chubby cheeks and laughing squeal has captivated me and left me love stunned.

I knew it would be good, but I didn't know it would be this good.

All grown up

My brother is significantly younger than me. Because of this fact I have been known to baby him and in my mind he is still a little boy who rubs his fingers together to tell me that he wants raisins, God forbid he would harm his vocal cords speaking. Even though I still see him as a child he has grown up, he is moving on and he no longer needs me to translate.

Having him around and be able to watch him blossom, have a girlfriend, become an uncle has been a privilege but also a reality check. As I sat through his graduation, helped him pick out his tux for prom while taking pictures I realized that I am no longer in that stage of life.

I was never one of those kids that said that high school was the time of life. I liked it, loved my friends but was happy to move on. College was also good times but not the end all be all. Since college without that harsh divide of time separating my life stages time has flown. I was soooo comfortable with my time being carved out for me. Having to define everything myself is almost too much freedom.

Having a baby has once again given me a ticking time line: When I should have another baby, when I should be moved into a larger home, when I should have x amount of money in the bank, when I should decide whether or not to send my daughter to public school, when I should have it all figured out (ha!).

That poor boy, now I am going to have to hunt him down to give him a hug.....because no matter how messed up we can be at times that is how we roll.



Mom & brother Graduation '07

Flash back

This is the song I caught my mom singing to the muffin yesterday:

"Clap hands, clap hands till Daddy comes home
Cause Daddy has money and mommy has none..."

When I started squawking about "how could you say that, blah, blah, blah", she told me it was a song women of the 50's sang. Because that is soooo not my reality I find it funny.

So now she sings:

"Clap hands, clap hands till Mommy comes home
cause Mommy has money and grandma has none...."

Changin

Why is it so hard to accept the things you can't change?

Secretly I think I can change anything.
I want to help people,
help themselves.
I shed tears of frustration,
because I know happiness is there.
Somewhere.
Maybe if I am looking to help others
I won't have to look at myself.

All this thinkin is hurtin my headin.

Guess who's back

Today is the beginning of hurricane season down here in S. Florida. What does that mean?? Tax free shopping for hurricane accessories! It is as exciting as it sounds. I guess I should pick up some batteries and flash lights since that seems like the responsible parenty thing to do.

I remember last year being so scared that I would have to give birth in our home office (the only room with no windows) or worse, be stuck in the house with no air conditioning. I took comfort in the fact that in our Lamaze class there was a rumor that if you were close to your due date they would let you come to the hospital.

For most of you the thought of being in a hospital for no reason other than air conditioning sounds stupid, a waste.....YOU would be wrong. Once you have spent weeks at a time with no power which equals no hot water and everyone you live with/near has pissed you off so much that you are ready to walk miles to hang out with other friends let me know how hanging out at a hospital sounds.

Apparently my mind is already overheating. It is so interesting how things that never scared me are now frightening now that I have the muffin. I would drive during a hurricane to the only bar that was open because hurricane parties were the best! No one has work, you have no where to be, we actually prayed for storms.

You couldn't pay me to get in car before/during/right after a storm. In our new place every room has windows, there is no where to hide. I will give everything at this point to keep my family safe. It is a great feeling to be able to think beyond yourself.