Guardian Angels

My sister is away at school getting her masters in education in North Carolina and lives with four people in a lovely older home with wooden floors, sticky doors and a nice neighborhood feel. Last week while in her room (which is up a narrow staircase)she heard what she thoughts was one of her roommates trying to get in the front door. She went downstairs, called their names, opened the front door to find no one there. She went back to her room. Shortly after a man opened her bedroom door on his hands and knees and started crawling in. She screamed, he ran out, she ran out of the house and called the police.

After a couple nights of having people sleep on her floor, sleeping at people's houses, using mild sedatives she is fine. Her stocking will be stuffed with pepper spray and a lovely tazer.

*****

After dropping the ex at the airport on Monday in an uncharacteristically brief good bye the baby and I quickly got on the highway to head back home. While looking in my side mirror I saw the car two cars back fly up into the median, take flight, flip on its side and hit the ground back onto its wheels. Ten cars then scattered to avoid hitting the wall and the car. Then there were no more cars around us.

*****

Last Tuesday I officially got my new shiny label as "divorcee". It is not a cool club, or a club I ever wanted to be a part of but damn its a big one ;)

*****

As I had my arms up to the elbow between an animals skin and meat I realized how much I was looking forward to the holiday season. I am ready to shed this past year, sing some cheesy yet comforting songs, string some lights and enjoy my family.

I am blessed beyond belief.

Not the veterans day I expected

While speaking with my favorite veteran yesterday and listening to him rehash some of his time there we some how got into his different jobs and the following job title came up:

Meat gazer

So what do you think this job entailed??

Happy Halloween!

Have fun, eat candy, throw some pumpkins or carve them, look out for the little bastards throwing eggs and let the inner skank/ child come out!

Voting issues

I'm trying to wrap my mind around the following:

"young" gay male in the lower middle class who doesn't think the government should have anything to do with the abortion debate votes for McCain???

This collar itches

Yesterday I was on the phone with a candidate for a position that I have open and we were chit chatting. Because it was late in the day, I was OK with hearing his life story, hearing his spin on the market and a whole lot more blah, blah, blah. In conversation and his discussion of the south it did come up that I had spent some time in Alabama.

J*: "How the hell did a nice girl from NY (he is in NY) go from Miami to Alabama?"
S: "My husband got a job there"
J: "Ohhhhhh, he put the leash back on you and pulled (chuckle, chuckle). That makes sense now!"
S: "..........(the only sound was my brain oozing out of my ears after my head exploded)"
J: "When you come into town you should let me take you out for some drinks"
S: ".........."
J: "When are you coming?"

*J stands for big old jackass!!!

I generally don't talk politics, because it gets heated and I've seen way too many Dr. Jekyll/ Mr. Hyde moments to willingly walk into it but after reading this I am all fired up (in a good way). This is the first week I have actually started to voice my opinion.

My take on voting and family/ friends is that I don't mind who you vote for as long as you have very clear reasons why you are picking one candidate over the other. Because, is NOT a reason. If you are not ready to talk about it, don't f-in ask me who I am voting for. If you need to spend 45 minutes digging into your purse to find your list of reasons maybe you need to pick issues that are a little closer to your heart.

I spent 15 minutes schooling my brother that at the ripe old age of 19 he is no longer aloud to just go along with who my dad is voting for. He started to prattle off "reasons" which consisted of telling me that one party doesn't do charity work???? Really???? So we had it out and then he went online to look at what I was talking about and I was proud of him for at least wanting to learn and be informed.

When I asked why my mother was voting for a certain party she looked at me, made a funny face, paused and then said their stance on partial birth abortion. Because I know her and because I know what her actual day to day issues are I questioned her. (I am not making light of that issue) With all the things she is struggling with like inadequate health care, college for my brother, school for my daughter (like the fact that I can't send her because I don't have the money), lack of resources etc. and the fact that I have never heard her discuss this issue except during an election year I couldn't believe that is her supposed make or break.

I'm sure more of this will leak out in the future but these times....they are crazy!

Hell has frozen over and pigs are flying

In recent months after separating from the husband and moving back to Miami I have been hanging out with my mom....a lot. I am enjoying our relationship on a level that we have never experienced before. A side effect has been that on a daily basis I catch myself sounding/doing something just like her and for the first time in my life I can say that it's not a bad thing. In fact it may be the best parts of me.

Channel surfing

When there is nothing on tv I am a supreme channel surfer (it's fine, judge me). Last night I'm scrolling through the Learning Channel, Discovery Channel, some animal shows....

"What a beautiful bitch"

I totally understand they are talking about the dog but it still caught me off guard and made me laugh.

Me=realizing you are gay.

Facebook is a lovely thing, it is nice to reconnect with old faces, keep people updated etc. Facebook has also been the way for me to realize that out of six people that I made out with in high school four of them are now gay, and the other two I don't keep in touch with. This includes the boy I first full on made out with, the first boy I discussed sex with....OMG....when I told him I wouldn't be sleeping with him he totally told me it was fine.....that I should love the person....

I am really trying not to over analyze this.

2 year old muffin

She has been amazing me for two years.





More emotional commentary to follow. My baby is a big girl!

Things that make me laugh

I just spent about a half an hour trying to load pictures of a waffle house wedding that is priceless, but I can't figure out how to load pdf file and save images and load it etc. So instead I will have to laugh to myself. Not so funny to you, but very funny to me.

Let me just say there are pictures of rings in waffles, brides smoking and working behind the counter (in the white dress and everything) and guests seated on those awesome orange pleather seats or the ever present milk crate in the parking lot. That is quite the commitment to the work place people.

On the way to work I saw a lawn company truck the read in BIG letters "GOT GRASS". I don't know why but I chuckled to myself.

Yesterday as I was changing my shirt my daughter looks up and points and says "momma, hair pits". It may be time for me to shave my arm pits. Just maybe. The sad part is I don't want to because I think it is hysterical, and she will doing anything to "touch, momma, touch". Right now I have the power of the pit and I don't want to lose it.

Muahahahahahahaha Pit Power.

So. Sad.........you know its funny.........no I will not raise my hand......

High & Lo*

Yesterday evening I had the chance to catch up with a friend from college and she mentioned that while she enjoyed reading the blog it seemed to be on the negative side. What do I say to that besides the obvious rationalization? So I thought I should mention a couple things.

I write this blog at work. When I get home I refuse to touch a computer and generally a phone so I may be reflecting my environment and general 9-5 mood. I also tend to write when I am all rilled up. I think writing may be a tad more therapeutic then choking various members of the general public (and I swear if my ex uses this sentence to attempt to show that I am a violent person I will give him the evil eye for the next 30 years) and being reduced to a puddle of goo.

In recent months this blog has become a forum for me to bitch and moan with a sampling of sexually repressed anecdotes. I pride myself on being as vocal in person as what I write on the page but seriously.......if another person talks to me about the hand cramping incident I may have to crawl under a rock and die. Do you really want to ruin THAT for me?? I kid. Kind of.

Don't worry bloggy and real life friends. I continue to have joy in my life each and everyday and always see the humor. A lot of this stuff sucks, but it is also really funny. Because if you don't laugh you cry and I look just awful crying!

My family and friends are like no others. They lift me up and remind me of who I am and who I can be. Because of all the different paths that you have taken I see what is out there and see that happiness and joy come in different packages. You guys ROCK!



*Hel-lo

Revisiting the quarter life crisis

I was going to right some post about how I am a fool for not getting enough sleep, exercise, etc and the hurricane is/is not coming AKA "whine, bitch and moan" and then I received a fax.

Although this fax was certainly not meant for me or anyone in my office it did an amazing job of giving me that little piece of clarity that I needed for today. It was all the paperwork for a woman's headstone. Two sentences where her daughters expressed how they felt.

In two sentences I can't even express my simplest of thoughts, how would I ever be able to summarize what someone means to me. Then there is that ever present question of how I want to be remembered.....damn....I want people to remember me being so much more than I am now. I need to do something so much greater.

Even before the fax arrived I have been struggling with the question of purpose. I have a lot to offer humanity but right now I am giving nothing. I am trying to be a good mother, daughter and friend but I think I can do more. I am standing on two feet as opposed to being in an emotional ditch because I have support around me. Wouldn't it be great if I could be that support for children, teen mothers or another group where I have relatability? Why can't compensation be in alignment with a sound mission and passion.

I feel like my time is ticking/ wasting each day and I'm sick of it. I need to be able to provide for my family but on some level I know I can make "a difference" (not to sound like a big giant cliche) and I stop myself because I feel like the economics of it won't work.

I have so much life to live but right now I'm not living it to it's full extent (or even a quarter of it).

Holding the Chuppah

Smerm and Jerm were married this weekend and I held the Chuppah. This was the most amazing wedding ever. The weather was perfect in the CT/NY mountains, there was no cell phone reception (awesome (and I am being sincere)), the evenings were crisp and I was with my best friends from high school.

It was like being at summer camp except without all the awkward teenage moments. Now we were all cool kids and one of us was getting married, one of us had a kid, one of us was starting out as an amazing artist (what up Jew- yah) and we all got to celebrate the marriage of two people who actually belong together....who glow because they have each other.

This glow has eaten my brain apparently and now I'm all mushy. I seriously have to get on this finding my soul mate.....right as soon as I finish divorcing my last "soul mate".

This wedding was a true blend of both of them and a reflection of all that they are. I thought Latins were the dancing kings but I was wrong, it is Jewish men that have the moves. The history that was involved in the songs, the service, the dancing it reminded me of how much I wanted to be a Jew in high school and why it still appeals (thank God my mom doesn't read this because right now she would have had a stroke and I would have to be praying to the sweet baby Jesus for her to recover).

Today I am recovering from a happy hang over and saying hi to all my high school friends (what up Brbs) and missing them.

Purple Hair

I'm currently mulling a lot of things over. Big things, change my life things. So in my classic style I disappear from the blogosphere, which is a shame because so much fun stuff happened.

-I rescued ducklings from a storm drain by holding my sister by the ankles while yelling that I was going to drop her. I have not laughed that hard in years.
-I went out. On the town. At night. (I even wore real clothing!)
-We went to the most awesome children's museum.
-I'm talking to "people" from my past who I've missed for too long.
-I dyed my hair purple just in time to be a bridesmaid.*




*I need to make sure you people are paying attention. If you didn't know, I have never dyed my hair. I'm waiting for the grey!

When are you too old for a booty call?

This morning after waking up at my usual (not nice) time I looked at my phone and saw I had a text. That is not unusual except that once again it was quite early. I opened the phone and saw who it was from (a former on again off again male "friend"). I also happened to notice that it came in at 3:45 am.

I am so old now that:
a. I consider that an early morning text as opposed to a late night next.
b. I didn't even wake up when the text came in because I was passed out (and not from drinking).
c. I was outraged that he would send the message at that hour and expect me to respond.
d. I was intrigued that this boy was thinking about me at that hour of the morning/evening.
e. I have this amount of time an energy to dedicate to a text that said "Hey" but have four week old nail polish on my toes.

He says I'll never find it

Recently the ex has been asking all sorts of loaded questions and making the same types of statements. For example:
-Do you think I'm a bad father?
-What do you need from a man?
-You know that I didn't mean to hurt you.
-I'm not the same man.
-You're my best friend, do you think of me the same way?

In case you didn't know, by nature I am not an angry or confrontational person. If I think a statement is going to hurt your feelings I will keep it to myself. Do not confuse this with not having an opinion. If you specifically ask me what I think, I WILL tell you. I don't sugar coat things if I think you can handle it or if you provoke me.

So after weeks and months and years of listening to him whine, holding my tongue it all bubbled up and out. (Here begins the rant, feel free to skip the following) I will be there for you but I will not put you before my daughter and I. Been there done that not doing it again. If you ask if I think you are a shitty dad......I told you not to ask questions you don't want the answer to. You would literally murder a man if he did things to your daughter that you did to me. DO NOT mistake my tears with wanting to get back together with you. These are tears of frustration, anger and heart break.

I wish you could be the man that I need but at this stage in the game I can't compromise. I have too much at stake. I have this beautiful little girl who is going to think it is ok to be with someone who doesn't make her happy. That is the message I somehow learned from my mom and I'm NOT going to have her repeat this bullshit cycle again.

When you ask me what I need and I reply that I need someone who has faith, who knows there is something larger than them, someone who can provide for his family (not just with money but emotionally), someone who can be my rock (because I am SOOOOOOooooo tired of being the "stable" one) and you laugh, not a good move. Don't tell me that my expectations are too high and that is never going to happen. I know that you are not this person, that you don't have that strength but I have no doubt that he is out there (because I've seen it before), and if I don't find those things that's ok, I have to learn how to be by myself.

We are not friends. I listen and you always talk, and it is because I'm a bleeding heart and I feel bad for you, but every time this shit happens it makes it easier for me not to pick up the phone. At this point you don't know anything about me..... and the fact that you are so eager to throw details of my life in my face (that have nothing to do with anything) show how little you have changed. Am I still afraid that you are going to kill me......no, but is that really the bar that you are striving for. (RANT END)

So yeah, he is coming in to town tomorrow to "spend quality time" with his daughter. While I want to just go off on his ass it is not going to make this weekend go any faster. I'm going to smile, like I always do....(imagine the most fake smile you have ever seen plastered on my face)

I'm not telling

Now that I am more in tune with my posting and back to posting mayyyyyybe once a week, I am once again tempted to tell certain friends about the blog (or in many cases remind them again). Seeing as I have resorted to posting about farting and my lack of sex I don't know if I need to draw attention to myself....but really, as my friends they already know the above facts.

I may keep it to myself because I have a feeling one of them is going to piss me off in the near future and if I know they are reading I don't want to go all passive aggressive on their ass! Plus I have no time to talk on the phone because I discovered this.

BHM

I just farted (in the bathroom) and I swear it smelled like cigarettes.....

My version of Best Week Ever

I have been posting in my head quite regularly but on here not so much. So a hodge podge of "events" are all waiting to be written down. So here is what has been happening:

-In an effort to clean and purge I went through a lot of things that I have saved for memory. I sorted through pictures of prom, junior prom, soccer, flute, guitar and piano (I was totally over committed)and cracked myself up with the visual tragedy that was my wardrobe. I also came across my grandfathers (on my mom's side) suicide note. I had that buried so deep in my memory that it shocked the shit out of me. I found this probably about 10 years ago when going into his things and I took it so my mom would never see it. It was his note of how he had started having pains, he was scared so on such and such a date he was going to swallow a lot of pills. Then there is a ps of how he was going to wait a day because the weather was bad. Then there is a final entry of how he was still alive even after taking the pills.

He died in hospice care.

-I received a call from an ex boyfriend yesterday (the boyfriend before the ex husband) and his first question was "you want a white picket fence in your yard right?" Then he told me he was writing a book about his life and that I was in it. He wants me to read it and give my honest opinion.......this is also a boyfriend who broke up with me.....over the phone.....we had our children's names picked out....

-In the past two weeks the office building that I work in has been filled with cameras. Burn Notice was filming and then some movie where I recognized no one.

As an intelligent woman I know that television/media does not reflect an accurate picture of the general public but seeing it in the flesh was almost funny. The "normal business people" walking around the building and in the courtyards were the best looking people I have seen in ages. As part of the general public (at least in Miami) let me tell you, if someone doesn't have flip flops, another one doesn't have camel toe and another one doesn't have a sun burn, it IS NOT accurate.

If you see a woman exit an elevator yakking on the phone looking embarrassed and ridiculously under dressed on Burn Notice, you have just seen the author of this blog.

Have a great weekend!

Brain Hack

I share because I shouldn't be the only person to suffer!

This damn song has been in my head for DAYS!!

How to properly attend an outdoor concert with chances of rain

Do:
-Bring a light weight poncho, just in case
-Bring a towel to sit on when you get back in the car (swamp ass is never cute!)
-Wear non slip fast drying shoes
-Be prepared to smack that bitch up when she pokes you in the face with her friggin umbrella for the 1,000th time
-Make sure you are not wearing a face cream/suntan lotion that makes your eyes burrrrrrrn when the rain pushes it into your eyes
-Attend the concert with someone wearing multiple layers on the off chance that they can dry your glasses on a dry layer


Don't:
-Wear white
-Wear a white shirt with a sheer white bra
-Walk near the beer stations (melting ice+a slope=falling on your ass)
-Let the water dripping from your hair, nose, glasses drip onto your underwear when you are squatting to take a piss
-Take a piss in front of someones car thinking that the rain will "hide" you unless you want me to see your ass, take pictures, honk my horn and flash my lights at you

This wraps up this weeks public service announcement. As a side note, I totally had a great time and yes, my ass is still wet!

Muffin Mania

The dichotomy in my writing here from "new mom" to crazy soon to be divorced over sexed lady is too funny (not so much funny ha, ha as funny queer). So before I delete all the pics and remove any shred of connection to the identifiable me I though I would share the following:


How did this dark haired little blob become

cute little sitting up muffin

to this blond long haired little girl?

TMI- my posting has come to this!

How sad is it when on one of my premiere a.m. (after marriage) "solo expeditions"* I have to stop because my hand is cramping too much. Am I so out of shape I need to stretch before that?? It is also sad that as soon as I decided it was all a no go I began to compose a very funny blog post.....damn that post was good (why is it always better in my head??)...






*Someone please tell me what else to call this besides the technical term. When it comes to certain words and phrases I suddenly become a Puritanical fool.

BHM

I spend more time not working than working (at work).
I am constantly complaining about work yet doing very little to change it.
I could be happy in my current position.
I need to pull my head out of my ass.

This weekend I saw The Secret. While some of it is a little mystical for me, most of it was spot on. I spend so much of my time and energy dwelling on the negative and the bad in my life that I am attracting the negative. Bad Out=Bad In.

In recent days I have really tried to focus on the positive, the beautiful and to be grateful. I have spent time asking myself what I really want in life and letting myself know that it is ok to want those things (a house, positive relationship, money in the bank, etc.) In this short period of time I have noticed a shift. Not to sound all crazy but this morning when I called three different companies for various bills I owed, one told me I no longer had to pay $196, one said they owed me money and the last one said my bill would be $15 less than my statement.

To be brutally honest....I am the only one standing my way. I could have it all!

Happy 4th!

After reading this entry I am brought back to many a 4th of July past. Really it is a lot of sitting on a blanket, watching the fireworks (recently with a beverage in hand) and enjoying some nice weather. This 4th I am actually making the trek to see the ex so he can see the baby (this of course has nothing to do with the last post ;).......and my mind wanders......

Anywhoo, the 4th, yeah.....the most memorable for me was back in the mid 90's when as a family we would come down to Miami to visit the grandparents. This was before I lived here, before I was an official "Hispanic" and when I was very happy living in my happy little white suburb in the north east. So when we went to a major fireworks display downtown with people setting off their own personal fireworks display (soooo illegal in NY) it was a bit of shock. When a group of large Hispanic men set off a fireworks display that almost resulted in my little brother (5 at the time) losing the left side of his body I saw my dad LOSE HIS SHIT!

This is the first and only time I have seen my dad this angry. So angry in fact that his lifetime of garbled Spanish came flooding forward in an angry display of what I now interpret as a basic "What the FUCK! You almost killed my kid"! When these men proceeded to not appologize, puff up and step on our blankets it was the nail in the coffin. With my sister and brother crying, my mom telling my father to calm down we attended our last public Miami festivities that evening.

I chalk it up as another funny story, my mom says it was the evening "where your father lost his mind" and my sister still won't go downtown. My brother is the only one who has no recollection of the events....

Have a safe and happy 4th full of bloggable events!

Sex with an Ex

I know the above title is such a bad idea for 1,000 different reasons that right now in my lunch time stupor I am not even going touch, but seriously.....
when you are a single mom, with a toddler, who doesn't even want to think about dating (I say this but I spend inordinate amounts of time dwelling on this topic) who is terrifyed of the idea of being naked in front of someone "new" what sort of options are out there.

The obvious solution would be keeping it in my pants but in regards to this topic I am apparently not the smartest cookie. I have needs....needs that have been met for years (by ex Mr. Skyzi (he hated when I called him that...muahahahaha)). The whole idea of going on "solo missions" is just not as appealing.

If only I wasn't so dick dumb......

Real Strength

I wish I had this man's strength. Please don't watch it if you are feeling a little emotional already.

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I am truly blessed.

Gymboree

This weekend I took the muffin to Gymboree for the first time. She started off with apprehension and tentative stares and by the time it was time to leave she was screaming for Gym-bo. I had a similar process. Started off wanting to jab my eyes out with the ladies singing and left singing the clean up song.

This silly little class brought me so much joy....I talked with other mom's, reveled in my child's laughter, felt proud that my kid wasn't the one screaming or whacking the other kids and sat in awe as I heard my baby singing to herself for the first time as we drove home. That freaky little clown rocks!

Party like an aging rock star!

We went out.....in the rain....because we said we would....

I had a good time but it is so strange going out to places I used to go to BB (Before baby) and seeing that the people havn't aged and the places are still the same. I don't know what I expected but the fact that we spent an hour mourning the closing of club (I use that term loosely) that we used to frequent talking about the good old days made me feel old. It also didn't help that we met up with a group of people where the average age was 23. 23 and childless which makes me officially 85.

As a side note to any men who might come across this site. When you ask a woman her age and she says guess, DO NOT BE honest and run the risk of saying that she is five years older than she actually is. Because if you do, she will totally bust out her cane and beat you with it!

B day aftermath

It was hard but I pulled me head out of my ass! Yesterday was a nice day and I am so thankful that I have friends (internet and "real life") who reached out. I am a lucky girl to have friends who remember it's my day when in reality I have no clue when their birthday's are. So if you want a birthday shout out make sure you let me know!

My family made a fantastic dinner for me and then my brother and I proceeded to watch six episodes of Weeds. Did I mention that I love that show?!?

Tomorrow wil be the real celebration with a bunch of us going out. If they are lucky I will wear my good bra (also known as the bra that actually lifts my boobs and squishes them together), real shoes, makeup and my good underwear! Look out Miami, I'm going out (and by going out I mean home by 1 am.....how things have changed....I'm actually sleepy thinking about it!)

What are you guys doing this weekend?

Birthday Blahhhhh

I hate that all that I do here is come to whine but I type faster than I write and I have always been too lazy to write in a journal. So yeah.....let the pitty party begin!

This is the first birthday in a longtime where I don't have that special someone to embrace, to kiss and to celebrate with. After 21, birthdays have been pretty anticlimactic so at this point in the game there are few people to really make a fuss.

Truth be told.....I enjoy the fuss. At this point I crave the fuss.....I'm not proud of that but it is what it is. I am emotional, I have been speaking with my soon to be ex too much (he started taking meds and is a compeltely different person)and I am so emotionally needy right now that I cannot even stand myself.

Here is to hopping this next year is full of success and joy!

Too Quiet

I had always considered myself very low key, emotionally low maintenance.....but I think at this point I have become so accustomed to drama and ridiculous self sabatoge that I may be perpetuating the cycle. I am putting myself in compromising situations just to keep myself mentally occupied.

I would rather focus on something external whether it be productive and happy or negative than have the mental time to focus on my internal self. I am so hormonal right now it is not even funny.....

Did I mention that lately I have had babies on the brain???

Hey!

It's been months of hiding out, of moving back to Miami and of trying to heal. It has also been a time of taking down certain posts. I password protected the blog for while not because I wanted to, but because the ex demanded it (via his attorney). So much has changed.

I don't know whether to continue posting on the blog because I will never be 100% about my feelings, about my relationships because at some point I lost my anonymity. While before I wanted people I know "in real life" to be able to have insight on my day to day now some of those people use my feelings to hurt me.

I want to have an honest conversation about dating, exes and the future without thinking I will have legal action coming back at me.....but I am stubborn and don't want to change my blog name because someone made me do it! What is a girl to do? I miss the outlet!

The best gift evah

Two years ago today I saw my daughters heart beat for the first time. It was my first ultrasound and even though I had a technician shoving that damn wand up my crotch, the moment I heard that sounds and saw that little peanut bopping around I was hooked. That is the only occassion in my adult life where I spontaneously started crying. I didn't expect it, couldn't contain it, but it was amazing.

To go from one minute of understanding that I was pregnant to actually seeing something.....it's really mind blowing. Today as we opened gifts from the Grandparents and I saw those little toes and fingers moving around and that smile, all I could think is tham I'm so lucky to have this little girl as my one true Valentine.

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you. I hope you feel the love today and take a moment to take it in.

Sirens in the morning

There is nothing like waking up in the wee hours of the morning to the sound of Tornado sirens. It is like a nice big steaming cup of gas station coffee that gives you the runs.

Today is going to be a long day....

Next she will be running for President

Yesterday at 16 months and six days the muffin went potty. She sat down and peed. I'm sure you are all as excited as I am, but to me this is AMAZING.

I promptly signed her up for her SAT's and the presidential race. Her platform is reformed health care, better playgrounds and unlimited sweet potato puffs for all.

Get back on the horse

In an effort to move on I have been really trying to figure out some outlets (healthy ones) to meet new people. After searching online for possible social groups all I have come up with is church and possibly Weight Watchers.

I have started church shopping but haven't really found the right combination of a sermon that is not too much fire and brimstone speak and a congregation where I could see fitting in. The first church I went to there were too many old people. Second church the minister had a little too much pep early in the morning with a dash of judgement. The third church was too small. So the search continues.

Weight Watchers stems from my need to take control, have a little support in the perpetual battle and at least interact with adults one evening a week. With that said I don't think I'm ready....

I am a firm believer in dealing with one problem at a time so I don't get overwhelmed and feel buried by life but each day that goes by it becomes more of a glaring problem. Now, along with having control over all other major decisions in my life I also have control over what comes into the house, what I ingest, blah, blah, blah. Even so I am still waiting to really mentally punish myself for not getting my ass in gear. I don't know what I'm waiting for but I hope I reach that point soon. My ass isn't getting any smaller while I wait.

Maybe it will be the point when I realize I need to lose a couple pounds to comfortably take my wedding ring off.....whenever that is. It is that last symbol of the life I thought I would have and even though I don't give two shits about what people think of me I judge myself. I felt/ feel comfort with these bands on my fingers even though it is completely false.

This post is veering terribly off the course I saw it going, so I will leave you with two questions:

Where do you/ did you meet new people when you know no one and live in a smaller town?

When do you take off you wedding ring?

D is for Divorce

Um yeah....so I have been in hiding....again....but I'm back (I hope). For the past couple months I have internally been in a war zone. I would open a fresh post type something that might actually have some substance and then erase it. For me the act of verbalizing it/ writing it is really the end. In this case it is the demise of my marriage.

I'd like to say I am not going into details out of respect blah, blah, blah but the actuality is that he reads this blog on occasion. Even though everything I would be typing is truth I don't really feel like putting up with more shit, so I won't.

In response to some reactions that I have gotten:

yes, I have thought this through
yes, I know what I'm doing
yes, I have thought about my daughter(I would never have done it for myself)
no, I do not want a seperation

So in the past weeks I have been back in FL, gotten an attorney (he has too), started filing the paperwork, moved out (still in AL so he can still visit the muffin) and tried once again to put together my life. This time the only people I have to think about are my daughter and myself and honestly it is a relief.

I am a believer of the concept: Happy parent= happy child. My goal now is to see the joy in everything that is good (and even the things that are not), take the time to enjoy those moments that go by so quickly, enjoy the positive relationships that I do have and most importantly enjoy this amazing little person that I have the privilege of calling my daughter.

I am a lucky girl people, I have friends and family that would do anything for me and my own space in this world. Instead of mourning I am full of an optimism I haven't had for years.